I was present
when my father, Jay Richardson, peacefully passed away in his home on the
morning of May 30, 2011. It was the first time I have ever seen a person
die. He was surrounded by my mother and 8 of his 11 children.
Summary of my
impressions:
* A tribute to
my mother's wonderful care of Dad.
* Dad had a
great heart!
* Watching a
righteous man die was a beautiful moment.
* Tough to
accept inevitability of death.
* Dad's
influence will be even stronger with us now.
* God's ways
are not man's ways.
* Dad ALWAYS
brought us together.
* One regret,
mended by the power of music.
More in depth
impressions from the events that passed:
* Dad died
directly from the effects of Alzheimer's Disease. In the end, his brain was so
full of tangles that it literally stopped telling other organs how to eat, how
to drink, and how to breathe. Typically, people with Alzheimer's die
from some other cause, such as from a bad fall or from
pneumonia. But Dad was cared for so well by Mom that none of these
other things happened to him, instead he died in the most natural way
possible. Mom's decision to care for him to the end was also truly
inspiring. She lovingly kept him at home, performing many hard tasks
and accepting the psychological effects on herself, instead of choosing an
easier path of having him stay in a care center.
* My Dad proved
that he had a great heart literally as well as figuratively! In the
end, it kept beating long after the rest of his body shut down. Even
after going 3 1/2 days without food and water, his heart kept going strong.
This was unexpected since he had experienced a heart failure almost 2 years ago
and was given a pacemaker at that time. We always knew that Dad had
a great heart figuratively (full of love for others) but he proved it literally
too. I learned that heart failure actually often does not result from a bad
heart but from other causes too. (We wondered what the pacemaker would do as he
neared death. Research shows that the pacemaker only works as long as the heart
does so it doesn't prolong or shorten death.)
* I had mixed
feelings about facing death. On the one hand I wanted to be there when he died
to show my love and support, but on the other hand I really didn't want to be
there. It all sounded scary, plus morbid to be waiting for him to
die, but in the end it was a peaceful passing. In the end, the way
his heart kept beating for a long time, we really couldn't say what moment he
died. This was an incredibly beautiful way for Dad to die, with a
calm and orderly transition into the spirit world, where we are sure that he
was greeted by many loved ones, especially my two baby brothers who died in
infancy. We also are sure that he was greeted by the Savior who told
him, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant!"
* We literally
could have kept Dad alive. It was the hardest thing for me to see
him there, going without food or water day after day, and to realize that if we
had Dad in a hospital, hooked up to IVs, we could have prolonged his life for a
short time. But my mother felt strongly that it would serve no
purpose but selfish ones for us to keep him in such a state. In the
end he would have been a vegetable, and still would have died soon from further
Alzheimer's complications. We had discussed this before, and agreed that this
was best, but when it came to the moment where he had been not eating or
drinking for 3 1/2 days, it was very hard to stick with the
plan. But mom knew what Dad wanted and made the courageous choice to
stick with the chosen path. At any rate, it was comforting to
realize that in the end, he did not die of starvation but of other causes.
* It made me
smile to think that the last thing Dad could digest was ice
chips. Just days before he died, he had no problem chomping on
ice. As a dentist, he had often warned how bad ice was for your
teeth! If he was aware of himself, he probably would have spit out
that ice!
* For some
reason, I kept thinking about the death theme prevalent in the Star Wars
movies. I could totally relate to Anakin Skywalker's declaration
that he would figure out some way to conquer death. I felt the same
way when I felt determined to keep Dad alive even though it didn't make sense
anymore. It's nice to realize that Jesus Christ is the only person
who did figure out how to conquer death. We love you, Jesus, and are
thankful for your sacrifice on our behalf so that we will live again!
* The other
Star Wars analogy I was thinking about: Obi Wan Kenobi declared to Darth Vader
that dying would just make his influence more strong than it had ever
been. Similarly, now that Dad has passed on, we are free to remember
him for all the great things he taught us and hopefully to feel the influence
of his spirit encouraging us to be the best we can be. His poems
will forever influence us. This is the way I will think of Dad, not
as the Alzheimer's patient that couldn't remember anything
anymore. The force will be with us -- always!
* In matters of
life and death, God has His own timing. Family members learned that
lesson while Dad took several more days to die than we thought he
would. (Talk about mixed emotions! Not knowing whether to hope Dad
would die sooner vs. later.) It proved to be a frustration when he
didn't just die according to our timing, but God has His reasons. We
were blessed to have Dad a little longer, to give us a chance to think more
about the purpose of life. In the end we felt very fortunate that
Dad died when he did, because there was a very narrow window of time when all
family members would be able to be present (from literally around the world)
for the funeral and burial. We were blessed to also have many
extended family at the burial due to prior plans for a family
reunion. It was a wonderful thing to have mother, all 11 living
children, and 49 of 64 grandchildren at the funeral!
* Dad seemed to
bring us together in all that he did. Whenever we would ask what he
wanted for his birthday, he always replied: "A happy
family!" He brought the family together for several years as we
dlearned to care for him and really learned to work as a
team. Similarly, his passing really brought us together, both in the
last days of intensive care, and in carrying out a beautiful funeral. Now we'll
count on his help from beyond the veil. Thanks Dad!
* My one regret
is that we didn't get a moment to talk to him plainly in his last moments, to
tell him that we loved him and that we'll miss him. But then again,
we got lots of these kind of moments over the past several years where we
shared our love for him and felt his love right back. Just before he
died, there were special moments when he gave mother a kiss and another when he
showed joy at our singing "Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy" -- that
was his spirit shining through to tell us that he loved us too!
Background
story:
My Dad has
suffered with Alzheimer's Disease for the past several years. It
first became noticeable in April 2007 although he showed small signs of memory
difficulties for a few months before this date. Mother chose to care
for him at home for the next 4 years, which proved to be a challenging task and
a true labor of love. Several milestones occurred as his condition
worsened. In particular, his care became much more difficult in
September 2010 and a plan was devised for several people to visit each day to
help take care of Dad.
On Monday, May
23, we noticed a couple of changes in my Dad. The hospice nurse came on a
regular visit and surprised us with the declaration that he was beginning the
journey towards dying and that we needed to be prepared for him to die sometime
within the next couple of weeks.
Tuesday was
what is known as a "rally day", a day where the dying person rallies
enough strength for one more day of alertness before quickly deteriorating in
death. This proved to be the last day where he was awake for most of
the day, although deep in the haze of Alzheimer's, he could not really respond
to our visits with him. I was asked to give him a
blessing. I felt prompted to say that he had a few days left --
although at that moment it really seemed like he would die very
soon. I spoke of finishing the work left for him, which I believe
was to bring us together as a family one last time as we served
him. I declared that he left a great legacy as one who faithfully
lived according to God's will.
The next
several days, several family members felt the urgency to assist with his final
care. Amy and I both had people at work who allowed us to take time off
as needed much of the week. Miriam (a nurse) came from Iowa
on Tuesday, Melvin (a doctor) came from Utah
on Wednesday, and Ken (a doctor) also came from Utah
As the days
continued with Dad still with us, we enjoyed our time together with him and
each other. There were a few things that we would quickly step out
of the house for, but we would hurry right back to be with Dad
again. We spent so much time together that we called this week
"Family Camp"! Grandchildren called and stopped by,
leaving touching thoughts as they said their last goodbyes to him. We
were fortunate to have two of our missionaries call and talk to him from Chile and Bulgaria
There were a
couple of moments of greater clarity for Dad that week. One time on Wednesday
he perked up and gave mother a hug and kiss. Another special moment came
on Thursday morning. We sang "Brightly Beams Our Father's
Mercy" (a beautiful hymn with barbershop-style harmony). Dad
surprised us by clapping his hands when we completed it. This was truly
remarkable since he was deep in the haze of Alzheimer's Disease and had not
really responded much for weeks. We sang it again and this time he
even said something like "That's good!" Later that morning
Ken was asked to give him another blessing. He gave a powerful
blessing, blessing Dad to enter his rest as his work was now
complete. He declared that God would soon say "Well done, thou
good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of thy Lord!" He
foretold the work in store for Dad in the spirit world, in particular to
perform a great work as a missionary.
We learned all
about caring for a dying person. To help alleviate the pain, we were
able to give him morphine as needed. When he stopped ingesting food
and water, his lungs and throat began to fill with fluid, leading to a scary
sound known as the "death rattle". We were able to use
medicine to dry his throat so that he would not literally die of
drowning. It surprised me how many times we needed to clean him,
even after no more eating or drinking, as his body kept removing toxins.
We also turned his position to avoid bed sores and help with his
breathing.
Dad slept
non-stop from Thursday around noon until Sunday evening, going without food or
drink. As the time passed, we kept wondering if death was
imminent. But Ken noted Dad's strong heart and shared his insight
that Dad wouldn't die on demand, instead passing away possibly when we least
expected it -- so we should just relax. We were certainly given lots
of time to think about mortality and God's ways. Sunday evening Dad
surprised us by suddenly opening his eyes for two minutes, but it was a stare
with the look of a man who was no longer present anymore. The family slowly
gathered. Margie flew in from Korea to be with us.
Then on Monday
morning, he opened his eyes one last time. Mother sat next to him
and held his hand. He then closed his eyes and took several deep
breaths about 20 seconds apart. He then stopped breathing
entirely. We quickly called our siblings who weren't present that
this was probably the end. His heart continued beating faintly for
quite a while after his breathing stopped. My sister Amy took his passing
the hardest, finally sobbing uncontrollably on his chest as it became clear that
this was the end. But then peace prevailed again. Even 20
minutes later my brother detected a heart murmur, but eventually that was gone
too. We didn't want this moment to pass, but we took turns holding his
arm, feeling his warmth, and giving him kisses even though he had now passed
on. Joann arrived from Ohio
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